Photo by: A. Gastecheg

Now that Lauren is pregnant with our second child, I’ve been thinking a lot about my role and responsibilities throughout the course of this new pregancy, as well as what my duties should be during labor and childbirth, given what I learned the first time around.

For our first pregnancy, we were of course filled with excitement, curiosity, and anticipation. We went through everything hand-in-hand, including the early crises (originally doctors determined that Lauren would undergo an “abnormal” pregnancy and possible misscarriage), all of the subsequent doctor and midwife appointments, the birth center and hospital tour, the meetings with the doula, the birthing classes, etc. Throw in a lot of reading (which I outline in my earlier post, A Real Man’s Guide to Pregnancy) in addition to things we made up “organically,” like creating a song to sing to our baby in the womb, as well as designated “together and talking time,” in which we cuddled in bed and I made a point to speak into her belly and welcome the new child into the world, I feel pretty proud about my efforts in not only supporting my wife’s journey, but also doing all I could to ensure a safe and smooth delivery.

Ultimately, our delivery did not at all go according to plan. While we planned a natural childbirth at New York City’s only birthing center at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital, we ended up with an emergency c-section, a result that I bear some of the responsibility in bringing about.

And this is the point I want to make regarding what I am realizing my role is during this, our second pregnancy. The first time around, I was extremely excited, and while I obviously couldn’t experience everything my wife experienced, I was very much her partner and the primary source of her emotional and physical support. So when it came time to the delivery, and the interventions began when things didn’t “progress” like our midwife (actually, she was more of a “med-wife”) had anticipated, my wife was asked if she wanted to go down the epidural route
to help her deal with her discomfort.

My wife was in a tough position after many hours of labor in the middle of the night and couldn’t articulate what she wanted. She felt tempted to go with the drugs, but also felt conflicted, as this route ran contrary to her ideas of having a natural childbirth. So she asked for my advice on what to do.

My answer to her came from my personal family history. All of my life growing up I had to hear my mother tell a story about my birth in which she was asked by the doctors if she wanted painkillers, to which my dad responded, “We’re fine.”

“Speak for yourself, buddy!” my mother responded, angrily, and received the painkiller to help her along. My mom always told this story like it was some kind of funny family anecdote, evidence of my dad perhaps chauvinistically assuming he knew what was best for his young wife, and subsequently being put in his place by a woman who was quite clear about what she wanted.

So when I was asked this question by Lauren, “What do you think I should do?” re: the epidural, I didn’t want to be that guy who is out of touch with his wife’s struggle. But the problem was that I knew inside what was best for my wife, which was for her to pass on the epidural, because 1) she does not do well with any pharmaceutical drugs, especially painkillers, and 2) because doing so would undermine our intention to give birth as naturally as possible.

I told her I thought she should do it, and ultimately it was the epidural, and her incredibly adverse reaction to it, which led to the next series of interventions, resulting in an emergency c-section, which I now view as a inevitable conclusion to an over-medicalized birth.

So what does this mean for our second pregnancy?

For starters I realize that things can get extremely hairy during a delivery. A woman might say and do things during labor that seem to run contrary to her beliefs and/or values. My view is that it is the daddy’s job to keep the partnership on track with its intentions, which is why it is so important to lay out the parameters within the context of birthing plan early on in the pregnancy, so that both partners can manifest the delivery that they intended. Obviously things sometimes come up that are beyond anyone’s control, but if the male birthing parnter can keep everyone on track with the shared goals and intentions he will have his part to fulfill the lionshare of his responsibilities.

And that takes courage. Quite frankly, it took courage to tell Lauren back then that I didn’t think it was right to take the epidural and to be perfectly honest I failed her and us in that respect. I gave in and said what I thought she and the medwife wanted to hear, as opposed to what I knew to be true and right (for us).

Beyond keeping the couple on track with their intentions, the other major role I realize daddies need to live up to is providing as much emotional support as possible. During a second pregnancy, a man will naturally “feel” less than the pregnant mommy. Besides the obvious reasons of not actually carrying a child, a man, who often will perceive the world logically and linearly, will experience a different level of excitement the second time around. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care as much or is not as emotionally invested. It just simply means that a man’s brain and survival skills tells him that he’s been here before, he’s seen this or that before, and must now keep focused on the task at hand: the healthy conclusion to the pregnancy. Whereas a woman might literally feel all the same emotions all over again, including the magic and wonderment associated with being a vessel of new life, the man may sometimes appear to be less emotionally involved, bringing up pain or frustration or even anger on the part of the expecting mother.

The key to work through this apparent chasm of experience is the key to many other disagreements during a marriage or intimate relationship: healthy communication. I realize now that as a father I face different challenges during this second pregnancy. Not only do I have to keep my eye on our birthing plan and my wife and child’s safety, but I must also communicate lovingly and fearlessly to my wife that I am not only inspired by this magical experience, but also ready to be there for her as a source of emotional and spiritual support.

Have a comment, question, or idea for a post?  Email Paul by clicking here. In addition to founding www.OrganicGreenDaddy.com, Paul maintains a blog over at www.monkeyinmymind.com, commenting on politics, sports, film, and whatever else his Monkey has in store for him.

I thought I knew what a real man was...

There are few things in this world that provide a man a greater opportunity to experience the advent of true manhood than experiencing the pregnancy of one’s wife, girlfriend, or partner for the first time. I say this coming from the perspective of thinking I knew all about what it meant to be a “real man,” only to find out that I knew nothing at all. Let me explain…

And then my wife got pregnant.

For the first time in my life I began to understand what being a real man means. It means being giving, wise, resourceful, and caring. It means providing and creating a safe space for your family to prosper. It means being there, every step of the way for your partner. It means getting your life in order so when the little one comes there will be food on the table, and a roof over everyone’s head (and maybe even cable too, so you and your partner to can laugh your way to your delivery by watching episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm).

After hanging up my jump boots, I began a career in television and film in New York City up until the time I learned Lauren was pregnant. Suddenly I woke up, realizing the freelance lifestyle wouldn’t work for my particular family, and immediately set about finding steady work that provided benefits, health care, and a paycheck we could count on. Fortunately I found my way into the natural products industry, joining my wife who had been working in the industry for as long as she could legally file income taxes. I had already begun to adopt a natural lifestyle before actually working in the industry, but being in a green work environment helped me realize that the only way for us to navigate this pregnancy, and later raise our child, would be for us to do it naturally and organically. So here’s a few things that I did that I recommend you give a try:

1. Take a class. I joined my wife and enrolled in a pregnancy and child birth class. We chose Realbirth in New York City. (www.realbirth.com). This class was great because it had a catch-all kind of curriculum, in that Organic Green Mommies and Daddies would get a lot out of it, but it also covered more traditional mainstream ideas associated with pregnancy and child birth. And the truth is, it’s better to all about epidurals and c-sections, even if you’re planning on “going natural,” ’cause as Mr. Forrest Gump tells us, “Life is like a bowl of cherries, you never know whatchu goin’ to get.” More on that in future posts…
2. Read, brother.  Read. I read a couple of great books, besides flipping through the prerequisite “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” One, which I recommend for everyone, OG Mums and Dads and mainstream folk alike, is “The Happiest Baby On The Block” by Dr. Harvey Karp (www.thehappiestbaby.com). This book gave me the confidence I needed to basically take over the lion’s share of the care for our newborn, considering my wife was down for the count for the first couple of days after the birth, recovering from her c-section.
3. A couple other great books that I read were definitely less conventional than Karp’s book, but filled me with wonder and awe about the child birthing process as well as the period covering the first several months and years of childhood. One of those books was, “The Magical Child.” This book has some unconventional concepts, and I quite frankly didn’t have use for all of it, but certainly learned a lot and thought a lot about its ideas, which concern the development of the child’s mind-brain from birth to adulthood, the importance of play, and the stages of detachment from the mother, through the womb, and into the world. The other interesting book I read was called, “The Continuum Concept,” in which the author describes her experiences observing indigenous cultures raise their children basically in the wild. Obviously most of us can’t live in the manner in which she describes, but her book definitely provides food for thought regarding abandoning some of the counter-productive and negative consequences of living in the Western-pharmaceutical-media-driven mainstream world.
4. Get help! The other thing I did was help my wife select a Doula for our birth. What the heck is a doula, you ask? Well, the word comes from the Greek, meaning “a female servant” (don’t get any funny ideas), and doulas are basically birthing assistants that can provide a professional level of support for our partners that quite frankly most of us men, even the “real men” aren’t capable of providing. At the very least, they form an integral part of the birthing team and can fill in for us when we need to take a break or aren’t present during labor for whatever reason.
5. Get involved with the delivery team. The same goes for the midwife or medical practitioner. It sure helps for us real men to understand who these people are and what their roles are during the process. Often times, the practitioner your partner may often see during check-ups and appointments isn’t the one who is present during the birth (usually for scheduling reasons) so it’s advisable to go with your partner on as many of her appointments as possible so you can meet as many of the people in the practice as possible. Knowing the personalities of these people can definitely be helpful, especially if any problems arise during the process.
6. Help create a Birthing Plan. One of the most important things we can do as real men is to have many conversations with our partners during the pregnancy with the goal of creating a “birthing plan” for the big day. I advise even writing one down so both partners understand what is expected out of one another, and writing things down often indicates whether or not we may be missing or forgetting something. As it turned out for us, we planned for a natural birth but were sure to at least talk about and create rudimentary plans for what we would do in the event something changed.
7. Enjoy your partner during this process. One of the most fun aspects of the pregnancy were the rather unexpectedly frequent opportunities for intimacy. So much so that I’m actually planning on writing a book called, “My Wife is a Hot Pregnant Mamma, and Other Observations From a First-Time Father.” You do the math.
8. Take lots of pictures. Along the lines of the previous point, take the opportunity to photograph your partner. As an expecting father it is wild how your perceptions of beauty and attraction mature. My wife was so amazingly beautiful to me during her pregnancy and I am glad that I took several opportunities to capture that beauty in tasteful and artistic photography.
9. Step up to the plate. Understand that many times you must be serve as the voice for your partnership and will be called upon to speak up for your little family’s best interests. My wife was diagnosed with gestational diabetes early on in the process and had to undergo a ridiculous amount of additional testing to include traditional diabetes blood sugar monitoring and very frequent ultra sounds. Because of this condition, our hospital in which our birthing center was housed tried over and over again to get us out of a natural birth and into a pharmaceutically-enhanced medical birth, even labeling us as “high risk.” There were several instances in which I had to fight for our birthing plan against teams of doctors who no doubt for liability reasons were trying to alter our plans. My wife, who passionately shared our desire to birth naturally, at times was overcome with emotions and hormones and was unable to speak up in the same way. I had to step up and protect our plan and speak for her, which is why sharing the birthing plan is so important, as it may turn out to be up to only you who makes sure it happens. This will continue through the birthing itself, which I will cover in a future post.
10. What about registering? I was not terribly involved in the baby registry process and some ways regret this. I am basically allergic to shopping so it usually takes a Herculean effort to get my real man’s butt involved in things like this. However, if I could have avoided shopping in stores and just done it online on a registry like ours, it would have been a lot more fun for me. The reason I bring up this point is that there were a few items that we registered for – a few MAJOR items, like the car seat, the high chair, and the stroller – that we were unhappy with and if I had only just participated in the process, might have found this out before it was too late. The cardinal rule in relationships: don’t complain about something if you didn’t participate in planning it.
11. Don’t wait until the last minute…to get the nursery and the carseat set up. In fact, make these some of the first things you do. The nursery can be a lot of fun and there will undoubtedly be a lot of physical labor type stuff like moving and building cribs and hanging things that your partner will probably need you for. We also set up a co-sleeper in our bedroom which took like three weeks to figure out. See, your “due-date” isn’t necessarily the big day so it would behoove you to have all of these details in order well in advance. As far as the carseat goes, my wife and I often look back fondly to the days when we used to drive around with an empty carseat, just waiting to fill it up with our little bundle of joy.