Photo by: A. Gastecheg

Now that Lauren is pregnant with our second child, I’ve been thinking a lot about my role and responsibilities throughout the course of this new pregancy, as well as what my duties should be during labor and childbirth, given what I learned the first time around.

For our first pregnancy, we were of course filled with excitement, curiosity, and anticipation. We went through everything hand-in-hand, including the early crises (originally doctors determined that Lauren would undergo an “abnormal” pregnancy and possible misscarriage), all of the subsequent doctor and midwife appointments, the birth center and hospital tour, the meetings with the doula, the birthing classes, etc. Throw in a lot of reading (which I outline in my earlier post, A Real Man’s Guide to Pregnancy) in addition to things we made up “organically,” like creating a song to sing to our baby in the womb, as well as designated “together and talking time,” in which we cuddled in bed and I made a point to speak into her belly and welcome the new child into the world, I feel pretty proud about my efforts in not only supporting my wife’s journey, but also doing all I could to ensure a safe and smooth delivery.

Ultimately, our delivery did not at all go according to plan. While we planned a natural childbirth at New York City’s only birthing center at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital, we ended up with an emergency c-section, a result that I bear some of the responsibility in bringing about.

And this is the point I want to make regarding what I am realizing my role is during this, our second pregnancy. The first time around, I was extremely excited, and while I obviously couldn’t experience everything my wife experienced, I was very much her partner and the primary source of her emotional and physical support. So when it came time to the delivery, and the interventions began when things didn’t “progress” like our midwife (actually, she was more of a “med-wife”) had anticipated, my wife was asked if she wanted to go down the epidural route
to help her deal with her discomfort.

My wife was in a tough position after many hours of labor in the middle of the night and couldn’t articulate what she wanted. She felt tempted to go with the drugs, but also felt conflicted, as this route ran contrary to her ideas of having a natural childbirth. So she asked for my advice on what to do.

My answer to her came from my personal family history. All of my life growing up I had to hear my mother tell a story about my birth in which she was asked by the doctors if she wanted painkillers, to which my dad responded, “We’re fine.”

“Speak for yourself, buddy!” my mother responded, angrily, and received the painkiller to help her along. My mom always told this story like it was some kind of funny family anecdote, evidence of my dad perhaps chauvinistically assuming he knew what was best for his young wife, and subsequently being put in his place by a woman who was quite clear about what she wanted.

So when I was asked this question by Lauren, “What do you think I should do?” re: the epidural, I didn’t want to be that guy who is out of touch with his wife’s struggle. But the problem was that I knew inside what was best for my wife, which was for her to pass on the epidural, because 1) she does not do well with any pharmaceutical drugs, especially painkillers, and 2) because doing so would undermine our intention to give birth as naturally as possible.

I told her I thought she should do it, and ultimately it was the epidural, and her incredibly adverse reaction to it, which led to the next series of interventions, resulting in an emergency c-section, which I now view as a inevitable conclusion to an over-medicalized birth.

So what does this mean for our second pregnancy?

For starters I realize that things can get extremely hairy during a delivery. A woman might say and do things during labor that seem to run contrary to her beliefs and/or values. My view is that it is the daddy’s job to keep the partnership on track with its intentions, which is why it is so important to lay out the parameters within the context of birthing plan early on in the pregnancy, so that both partners can manifest the delivery that they intended. Obviously things sometimes come up that are beyond anyone’s control, but if the male birthing parnter can keep everyone on track with the shared goals and intentions he will have his part to fulfill the lionshare of his responsibilities.

And that takes courage. Quite frankly, it took courage to tell Lauren back then that I didn’t think it was right to take the epidural and to be perfectly honest I failed her and us in that respect. I gave in and said what I thought she and the medwife wanted to hear, as opposed to what I knew to be true and right (for us).

Beyond keeping the couple on track with their intentions, the other major role I realize daddies need to live up to is providing as much emotional support as possible. During a second pregnancy, a man will naturally “feel” less than the pregnant mommy. Besides the obvious reasons of not actually carrying a child, a man, who often will perceive the world logically and linearly, will experience a different level of excitement the second time around. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care as much or is not as emotionally invested. It just simply means that a man’s brain and survival skills tells him that he’s been here before, he’s seen this or that before, and must now keep focused on the task at hand: the healthy conclusion to the pregnancy. Whereas a woman might literally feel all the same emotions all over again, including the magic and wonderment associated with being a vessel of new life, the man may sometimes appear to be less emotionally involved, bringing up pain or frustration or even anger on the part of the expecting mother.

The key to work through this apparent chasm of experience is the key to many other disagreements during a marriage or intimate relationship: healthy communication. I realize now that as a father I face different challenges during this second pregnancy. Not only do I have to keep my eye on our birthing plan and my wife and child’s safety, but I must also communicate lovingly and fearlessly to my wife that I am not only inspired by this magical experience, but also ready to be there for her as a source of emotional and spiritual support.

Have a comment, question, or idea for a post?  Email Paul by clicking here. In addition to founding www.OrganicGreenDaddy.com, Paul maintains a blog over at www.monkeyinmymind.com, commenting on politics, sports, film, and whatever else his Monkey has in store for him.

Photo by: Scott Snyder

In a previous post I discussed the process of putting “Victory Focus” into action in order to manifest results. This process involves:

1) Imagining the results we wish to experience

2) Visioning with emotion and power what a reality containing those results would feel like

3) Believing with absolute certainty that our dreams are possible

4) Finally, co-creating those previously “imaginary” concepts, dreams, and intentions into physical reality.

These techniques and tools have never been more essential and necessary than precisely at this moment, considering the “financial crisis” that we are seeing all around us, especially when we focus on external stimuli like the evening news, the internet, talk radio, and newspapers. Ironically, when one looks at this problem through the lens of prosperity consciousness, one realizes that the perception of the problem is as much of the problem as the problem itself. In other words, a commonly accepted spiritual maxim of prosperity consciousness states that what we focus on expands. So if we focus on lack, if we focus on debt, if we focus on fear, if we focus on crisis, if we focus on greed, all of those things expand.

While no sane person would advocate or recommend practicing denial in order to cope with this “crisis,” a more healthy way of dealing with the current financial situation in the country would be to avert our attention away from the car crash, keep our eyes on the road ahead of us, and focus on the things that we wish to manifest in our lives, instead of the things we don’t wish to experience.

I cannot explain why this is, but many of us are programmed to automatically shift into fear mode when it comes to a multitude of circumstances in our lives. How often when considering a business move or financial decision do we first entertain the thought of failure? For example, let’s say a person is planning on listing their house for sale. They might look up and down their street and notice dozens of other “For Sale “signs, silently calculating in their head how long those signs have been up. They might remember that a friend or realtive had their house up for sale for a year or more, and if they did happen to sell, they lost money or barely broke even. Taking all of these cues, or mental blueprints into account, that person will probably conclude: “I’ll never sell my home.”

If that same person is considering buying a new home, they might remember that news report from the night before talking about the tightening of credit and might say: “I’ll never get a loan with everything that’s going on right now.”

If a person is considering a career change, they might consider the “fact” that CNN reported many companies are not hiring right now: “I’ll never find a new job.”

This pattern goes on and on and informs so much of our thinking that most of us never question it and simply assume that being habitually disappointed is just a part of life!

What’s incredible is that if we logically examine this phenomenon, we will discover the following: thoughts fuel results. If we assume lack, adversity, and difficulty, those things usually manifest in our external experience. Don’t believe me? Here’s an exercise: think of the happiest, wealthiest, healthiest person that you know. Go on, do it, you probably know somebody who has achieved some form of success. Now, recall your conversations and experiences with that person and ask yourself: “How often has person x complained about not enough, has felt sorry for themself, or has blamed their problems on others?” The answer you will probably come to is: not very often. While many of us experience moments of weakness, those of us who are manifesting extraordinary life experiences are also creating extraordinary visions for how we wish to live our lives.

But what if we habitually go to the negative? Well, recognizing this habit is a powerful first step, so congratulate yourself on that. The cool thing is that we have the power to change our habits. The only prequisite for change is belief in the possibility of change. And this begins with another simple question you can ask yourself, despite your present circumstances: “Do you believe it is possible to manifest prosperity in your life if you only had the tools, the help, and the guidance?” Most people will probably say yes to this, which is a huge first step, but then go right back to an error in thinking when they assume that the “help” they desire will come from the outside.

In order to advance from this first step to actually manifesting the changes we desire is to simply believe that what we want is possible, and then completely detach ourselves from the how. The how is none of our business, only the what. We believe that the sun will rise, that our hearts will continue to beat, that it will get warmer in the summer and cooler in the winter. We believe all these things and so they are. So what if we chose to incorporate other beliefs, positive beliefs, into our mental blueprint? Isn’t that revolutionary?

I mean literally imagine this, dream it up, play make believe. Many of us have heard the phrase, “Fake it ’till you make it.” What this means is that if we are embarking on a path and using tools with which others have achieved success, but we’re still not convinced that we’ll be able to experience the same success, what if we simply pretended that we were on the right path? This technique is used all the time to overcome addictions in just about every 12-step program there is, but can also be used very effectively to manifest any outcome we desire.

And why not, because it doesn’t cost anything to simply believe something, does it? So going back to the question above, which many people will answer yes to: What if we simply imagined that we already possessed the tools, help, and guidance to manifest our dreams?

The logical construct of this new “blueprinting” is as follows:

I. We accept that we would be able to manifest our desires if only we had the tools.

II. We accept that belief is the cornerstone of our reality.

III. We consciously choose to believe that we already have the tools.

IV. Since we already have the tools, we accept that will be able to manifest our desires.

It’s that simple. The only wrinkle to this whole process is the concept of time. How long are we willing to persist until the miracle occurs? Many people read articles like this, get all excited, begin the visioning process and then get frustrated that their results don’t manifest immediately. Well the old adage, “Rome wasn’t built in a day” comes into play here. If it took an entire lifetime to build our negative and destructive belief structure it might take more than a few days to tear the city down and build anew. The crazy part is that the concept of time is as much of a belief as anything else, so it can be manipulated and “wrinkled” according to our desires if so only we can believe that achieving results in a manner that requires less and less physical time is possible. A tip for beginners is to start with “small” desires that you will reasonably expect to be accomplished in short order, if only you had the tools. From success wtih small things, we can build towards to bigger and better dreams and goals.

This whole process should be fun and exciting. And it helps to have additional tools at your disposal. I recently started using some audio programs from Melissa Zollo. Melissa Zollo is an “Imagist” who runs a personal development business called Present Memory and her instructions are powerful, clear, and inspiring. I began with her program “Discover the Power of Imagination” and have recently begun her money-attracting program, “How to Unleash the Power Within to Attract Money.” Over the course of about 30 days, I was able to sell my current home at a substantial profit within about three weeks, manifest my dream house, and also register a personal record in terms of revenue and sales in my business. Currently I am visioning to get substantial repair work done on my car without having to pay a penny for it. All of this during an “economic downturn,” and a “housing burst.” I simply chose not to identify with these negative concepts. I highly recommend these powerful products. You can buy them by clicking right here.

Paul Davison is the Founder of OrganicGreenDaddy, the Co-Founder of OrganicGreenMommy and also runs a blog at Monkey In My Mind, commenting on personal development, politics, sports, and culture, and whatever else the Monkey has in store for him.

Photo by: Marek Wojtal

Late in 2007, just as the holiday toy-shopping season was ramping into high gear, some of the biggest stories coming out of the $20 billion per year toy industry weren’t about the latest innovations or the next hot property. Instead, just about every headline about toys sold in the United States concerned wave after wave of toy recalls.

The major culprit, by and large, was excessive amounts lead paint used on toys originating from Chinese toy manufacturers. A major question emerging in the wake of these recalls was why were manufacturers continuing to use lead paint, despite American regulations requiring fewer than 600 parts of lead per million in paint used on consumer products like toys.

The answer shouldn’t be shocking to anyone. The reason manufacters were using lead paint was simple: it’s cheaper, up to one-third the cost of a safer paint mixture.

But here’s something that actually might be shocking to American consumers: Chinese regulations concerning lead paint are even stricter than those in the United States. A New York Times article on the subject tells us that, “on the books, China’s paint standards are stricter than those in the United States, requiring that paint intended for household or consumer-product use contain no more than 90 parts of lead per million.”

Which begs the question, if Chinese and American regulations are strict as they seem to be, why do dangerous toys keep slipping onto American store shelves, and what are parents to do?

The answer to the first question is disturbing in the sense that even a cursory examination into Chinese manufacturing processes reveals that by and large, strict regulations are nothing more than smoke and mirrors, and Chinese factories essentially will do whatever they want, or at least whatever the client wants when it comes to delivering the toys on time and according to budget. With the proliferation of big-box stores like Wal-Mart and Target, depressed consumer confidence, and increased competition, price is king and therefore drives production practices. As always, however, the old adage is true: you get what you pay for.

Which leads us to the second question, which concerns what we as parents are supposed to do given the uncertainty surrounding the latest products in the industry, especially those (nearly all) whose origins are in Chinese factories. With the “Go Green” movement building momentum in the United States, there are more and more options available to consumers who wish to purchase toys from manufacturers whose primary concern is safety, not making toys as cheaply as possible. OrganicGreenMommy’s Natural Toy Shop, featuring wooden toys, natural plush toys, and toys made from real rubber as opposed to potentially toxic plastics, is a great place to start.

Even parents who decide to purchase toys at mainstream retailers can practice safer shopping habits if they apply a few of the following tips:

• Read The Label. This point of course applies to food-buying as well, but couldn’t be more appropriate when it comes to buying toys. If you notice that a toy is “Made in China,” and is painted, realize that there is a possibility of that paint containing lead for the reasons cited above. According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, of roughly 39 lead-related recalls this year, 38 were of Chinese-made goods. Is it possible to avoid Chinese toys while still shopping at Wal-Mart or Toys R’ Us? I’m not sure, but more than regulations and laws, consumer demand will always be a driving market force. If enough consumers demand higher standards, companies will be forced to comply or lose market share.

• Avoid Plastics. Besides the lead paint used to brightly color most toys, in some cases the plastics and chemicals used to make the toys themselves can be toxic. Whether or not there is a recall concerning plastics, in the United States, phthalates (pronounced thay-lates) are often added to make plastics softer and squishier. Phthalates are banned for use in consumer all over the world, but still not in the United States, and the mainstream toy industry is fighting the science that attests to their dangers tooth and nail, as currently phthalates are cheapest vehicle to achieve that desired consistency. More and more, however, there are alternatives available, this site, www.oregontoxics.org, has some great information on the subject. Alternatives like wood and certain textiles can be safer, and more desirable in a different way, as they encourage a naturalistic and tactile connection between your child and their surrounding world.

• Avoid Small Parts. While much of the focus has been on lead paint, choking hazards are perhaps a more acute concern to US consumers. Although not necessarily a “green” issue, this concern could fall under the category of “Conscious Parenting,” as we parents should try to present toys to our children that present possibilities for imagination and growth as opposed to automated, pre-programmed “fun.” The Center for Disease Control reports that around 2800 people die from choking each year, most of whom are children. While not exactly an epidemic, still something parents of which should at least be conscious.

• Encourage Imagination. Tying into my point above about encouraging a naturalistic connection to our children’s environment, this tip is perhaps the most important. What we as parents need to continue to realize is that we hold the power to shape and create exciting and playful environments that not only enliven with fun but also serve as powerful learning tools. My daughter has a blast playing with beautiful scarves, musical instruments, tea sets, non-toxic “play-dough,” and coloring books, none of which require batteries, expensive accessories, or backbreaking assembly and set up. Most of all, these playthings and activities encourage play from the inside out, cultivating imagination and encouraging connection to others and her outside world. In addition, she also loves “play” activities that don’t require toys or supplies at all, like helping us in the kitchen, weeding the garden, or wrestling with us on mommy and daddy’s bed.

Conscious parenting is about empowering ourselves and knowing that we can help reveal a beautiful and inviting world for our children that fosters their learning, emotional growth, and overall development.

For more information on the subject of toy safety, here is a link to the W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm) website. There is plenty of great information here, including lists of the “10 Worst Toys” of each year. Click here to see which toys made the list in 2007.

Have a comment, question, or idea for a post? Email Paul by clicking here. In addition to founding www.OrganicGreenDaddy.com, Paul maintains a blog over at www.monkeyinmymind.com, commenting on politics, sports, film, and whatever else his Monkey has in store for him.

I thought I knew what a real man was...

There are few things in this world that provide a man a greater opportunity to experience the advent of true manhood than experiencing the pregnancy of one’s wife, girlfriend, or partner for the first time. I say this coming from the perspective of thinking I knew all about what it meant to be a “real man,” only to find out that I knew nothing at all. Let me explain…

And then my wife got pregnant.

For the first time in my life I began to understand what being a real man means. It means being giving, wise, resourceful, and caring. It means providing and creating a safe space for your family to prosper. It means being there, every step of the way for your partner. It means getting your life in order so when the little one comes there will be food on the table, and a roof over everyone’s head (and maybe even cable too, so you and your partner to can laugh your way to your delivery by watching episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm).

After hanging up my jump boots, I began a career in television and film in New York City up until the time I learned Lauren was pregnant. Suddenly I woke up, realizing the freelance lifestyle wouldn’t work for my particular family, and immediately set about finding steady work that provided benefits, health care, and a paycheck we could count on. Fortunately I found my way into the natural products industry, joining my wife who had been working in the industry for as long as she could legally file income taxes. I had already begun to adopt a natural lifestyle before actually working in the industry, but being in a green work environment helped me realize that the only way for us to navigate this pregnancy, and later raise our child, would be for us to do it naturally and organically. So here’s a few things that I did that I recommend you give a try:

1. Take a class. I joined my wife and enrolled in a pregnancy and child birth class. We chose Realbirth in New York City. (www.realbirth.com). This class was great because it had a catch-all kind of curriculum, in that Organic Green Mommies and Daddies would get a lot out of it, but it also covered more traditional mainstream ideas associated with pregnancy and child birth. And the truth is, it’s better to all about epidurals and c-sections, even if you’re planning on “going natural,” ’cause as Mr. Forrest Gump tells us, “Life is like a bowl of cherries, you never know whatchu goin’ to get.” More on that in future posts…
2. Read, brother.  Read. I read a couple of great books, besides flipping through the prerequisite “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” One, which I recommend for everyone, OG Mums and Dads and mainstream folk alike, is “The Happiest Baby On The Block” by Dr. Harvey Karp (www.thehappiestbaby.com). This book gave me the confidence I needed to basically take over the lion’s share of the care for our newborn, considering my wife was down for the count for the first couple of days after the birth, recovering from her c-section.
3. A couple other great books that I read were definitely less conventional than Karp’s book, but filled me with wonder and awe about the child birthing process as well as the period covering the first several months and years of childhood. One of those books was, “The Magical Child.” This book has some unconventional concepts, and I quite frankly didn’t have use for all of it, but certainly learned a lot and thought a lot about its ideas, which concern the development of the child’s mind-brain from birth to adulthood, the importance of play, and the stages of detachment from the mother, through the womb, and into the world. The other interesting book I read was called, “The Continuum Concept,” in which the author describes her experiences observing indigenous cultures raise their children basically in the wild. Obviously most of us can’t live in the manner in which she describes, but her book definitely provides food for thought regarding abandoning some of the counter-productive and negative consequences of living in the Western-pharmaceutical-media-driven mainstream world.
4. Get help! The other thing I did was help my wife select a Doula for our birth. What the heck is a doula, you ask? Well, the word comes from the Greek, meaning “a female servant” (don’t get any funny ideas), and doulas are basically birthing assistants that can provide a professional level of support for our partners that quite frankly most of us men, even the “real men” aren’t capable of providing. At the very least, they form an integral part of the birthing team and can fill in for us when we need to take a break or aren’t present during labor for whatever reason.
5. Get involved with the delivery team. The same goes for the midwife or medical practitioner. It sure helps for us real men to understand who these people are and what their roles are during the process. Often times, the practitioner your partner may often see during check-ups and appointments isn’t the one who is present during the birth (usually for scheduling reasons) so it’s advisable to go with your partner on as many of her appointments as possible so you can meet as many of the people in the practice as possible. Knowing the personalities of these people can definitely be helpful, especially if any problems arise during the process.
6. Help create a Birthing Plan. One of the most important things we can do as real men is to have many conversations with our partners during the pregnancy with the goal of creating a “birthing plan” for the big day. I advise even writing one down so both partners understand what is expected out of one another, and writing things down often indicates whether or not we may be missing or forgetting something. As it turned out for us, we planned for a natural birth but were sure to at least talk about and create rudimentary plans for what we would do in the event something changed.
7. Enjoy your partner during this process. One of the most fun aspects of the pregnancy were the rather unexpectedly frequent opportunities for intimacy. So much so that I’m actually planning on writing a book called, “My Wife is a Hot Pregnant Mamma, and Other Observations From a First-Time Father.” You do the math.
8. Take lots of pictures. Along the lines of the previous point, take the opportunity to photograph your partner. As an expecting father it is wild how your perceptions of beauty and attraction mature. My wife was so amazingly beautiful to me during her pregnancy and I am glad that I took several opportunities to capture that beauty in tasteful and artistic photography.
9. Step up to the plate. Understand that many times you must be serve as the voice for your partnership and will be called upon to speak up for your little family’s best interests. My wife was diagnosed with gestational diabetes early on in the process and had to undergo a ridiculous amount of additional testing to include traditional diabetes blood sugar monitoring and very frequent ultra sounds. Because of this condition, our hospital in which our birthing center was housed tried over and over again to get us out of a natural birth and into a pharmaceutically-enhanced medical birth, even labeling us as “high risk.” There were several instances in which I had to fight for our birthing plan against teams of doctors who no doubt for liability reasons were trying to alter our plans. My wife, who passionately shared our desire to birth naturally, at times was overcome with emotions and hormones and was unable to speak up in the same way. I had to step up and protect our plan and speak for her, which is why sharing the birthing plan is so important, as it may turn out to be up to only you who makes sure it happens. This will continue through the birthing itself, which I will cover in a future post.
10. What about registering? I was not terribly involved in the baby registry process and some ways regret this. I am basically allergic to shopping so it usually takes a Herculean effort to get my real man’s butt involved in things like this. However, if I could have avoided shopping in stores and just done it online on a registry like ours, it would have been a lot more fun for me. The reason I bring up this point is that there were a few items that we registered for – a few MAJOR items, like the car seat, the high chair, and the stroller – that we were unhappy with and if I had only just participated in the process, might have found this out before it was too late. The cardinal rule in relationships: don’t complain about something if you didn’t participate in planning it.
11. Don’t wait until the last minute…to get the nursery and the carseat set up. In fact, make these some of the first things you do. The nursery can be a lot of fun and there will undoubtedly be a lot of physical labor type stuff like moving and building cribs and hanging things that your partner will probably need you for. We also set up a co-sleeper in our bedroom which took like three weeks to figure out. See, your “due-date” isn’t necessarily the big day so it would behoove you to have all of these details in order well in advance. As far as the carseat goes, my wife and I often look back fondly to the days when we used to drive around with an empty carseat, just waiting to fill it up with our little bundle of joy.