Photo by: A. Gastecheg

Now that Lauren is pregnant with our second child, I’ve been thinking a lot about my role and responsibilities throughout the course of this new pregancy, as well as what my duties should be during labor and childbirth, given what I learned the first time around.

For our first pregnancy, we were of course filled with excitement, curiosity, and anticipation. We went through everything hand-in-hand, including the early crises (originally doctors determined that Lauren would undergo an “abnormal” pregnancy and possible misscarriage), all of the subsequent doctor and midwife appointments, the birth center and hospital tour, the meetings with the doula, the birthing classes, etc. Throw in a lot of reading (which I outline in my earlier post, A Real Man’s Guide to Pregnancy) in addition to things we made up “organically,” like creating a song to sing to our baby in the womb, as well as designated “together and talking time,” in which we cuddled in bed and I made a point to speak into her belly and welcome the new child into the world, I feel pretty proud about my efforts in not only supporting my wife’s journey, but also doing all I could to ensure a safe and smooth delivery.

Ultimately, our delivery did not at all go according to plan. While we planned a natural childbirth at New York City’s only birthing center at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital, we ended up with an emergency c-section, a result that I bear some of the responsibility in bringing about.

And this is the point I want to make regarding what I am realizing my role is during this, our second pregnancy. The first time around, I was extremely excited, and while I obviously couldn’t experience everything my wife experienced, I was very much her partner and the primary source of her emotional and physical support. So when it came time to the delivery, and the interventions began when things didn’t “progress” like our midwife (actually, she was more of a “med-wife”) had anticipated, my wife was asked if she wanted to go down the epidural route
to help her deal with her discomfort.

My wife was in a tough position after many hours of labor in the middle of the night and couldn’t articulate what she wanted. She felt tempted to go with the drugs, but also felt conflicted, as this route ran contrary to her ideas of having a natural childbirth. So she asked for my advice on what to do.

My answer to her came from my personal family history. All of my life growing up I had to hear my mother tell a story about my birth in which she was asked by the doctors if she wanted painkillers, to which my dad responded, “We’re fine.”

“Speak for yourself, buddy!” my mother responded, angrily, and received the painkiller to help her along. My mom always told this story like it was some kind of funny family anecdote, evidence of my dad perhaps chauvinistically assuming he knew what was best for his young wife, and subsequently being put in his place by a woman who was quite clear about what she wanted.

So when I was asked this question by Lauren, “What do you think I should do?” re: the epidural, I didn’t want to be that guy who is out of touch with his wife’s struggle. But the problem was that I knew inside what was best for my wife, which was for her to pass on the epidural, because 1) she does not do well with any pharmaceutical drugs, especially painkillers, and 2) because doing so would undermine our intention to give birth as naturally as possible.

I told her I thought she should do it, and ultimately it was the epidural, and her incredibly adverse reaction to it, which led to the next series of interventions, resulting in an emergency c-section, which I now view as a inevitable conclusion to an over-medicalized birth.

So what does this mean for our second pregnancy?

For starters I realize that things can get extremely hairy during a delivery. A woman might say and do things during labor that seem to run contrary to her beliefs and/or values. My view is that it is the daddy’s job to keep the partnership on track with its intentions, which is why it is so important to lay out the parameters within the context of birthing plan early on in the pregnancy, so that both partners can manifest the delivery that they intended. Obviously things sometimes come up that are beyond anyone’s control, but if the male birthing parnter can keep everyone on track with the shared goals and intentions he will have his part to fulfill the lionshare of his responsibilities.

And that takes courage. Quite frankly, it took courage to tell Lauren back then that I didn’t think it was right to take the epidural and to be perfectly honest I failed her and us in that respect. I gave in and said what I thought she and the medwife wanted to hear, as opposed to what I knew to be true and right (for us).

Beyond keeping the couple on track with their intentions, the other major role I realize daddies need to live up to is providing as much emotional support as possible. During a second pregnancy, a man will naturally “feel” less than the pregnant mommy. Besides the obvious reasons of not actually carrying a child, a man, who often will perceive the world logically and linearly, will experience a different level of excitement the second time around. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care as much or is not as emotionally invested. It just simply means that a man’s brain and survival skills tells him that he’s been here before, he’s seen this or that before, and must now keep focused on the task at hand: the healthy conclusion to the pregnancy. Whereas a woman might literally feel all the same emotions all over again, including the magic and wonderment associated with being a vessel of new life, the man may sometimes appear to be less emotionally involved, bringing up pain or frustration or even anger on the part of the expecting mother.

The key to work through this apparent chasm of experience is the key to many other disagreements during a marriage or intimate relationship: healthy communication. I realize now that as a father I face different challenges during this second pregnancy. Not only do I have to keep my eye on our birthing plan and my wife and child’s safety, but I must also communicate lovingly and fearlessly to my wife that I am not only inspired by this magical experience, but also ready to be there for her as a source of emotional and spiritual support.

Have a comment, question, or idea for a post?  Email Paul by clicking here. In addition to founding www.OrganicGreenDaddy.com, Paul maintains a blog over at www.monkeyinmymind.com, commenting on politics, sports, film, and whatever else his Monkey has in store for him.